How to be a feminist (and never get caught)

There are many women out there who are feminist in their politics, but would rather not get lumped in with the man-hating, bra-burning types. By making a few simple tweaks to your approach and appearance, you can retain your belief in fair and equal rights for women without having the big, fat ‘F’ word thrust upon you.

While your beliefs are valid and important, try not to express them too often or vocally. Tread carefully, especially around delicate issues such as the inferior position that women hold in private and public life. Waiting until issues such as abortion, sexual harassment or the widening pay gap become topical in the news or other media before bringing them up is a good strategy to approaching feminist conversation. Otherwise, avoid discussing your social concerns in public. Always pick your battles carefully, and allow a few insulting stereotypes, misogynistic comments and name calling to slide on by. If you called someone out every time they insulted you or your sex, people would probably get the idea that you are a hard ass bitch, and we certainly don’t want that.

Obviously, there are times when you will not be able to follow this step so strictly. In cases where you insist on breaking women’s silence, make sure that your physical appearance is as non-threatening as possible while you do it. It is important to avoid a masculine aesthetic whenever you can, as this plays into widely recognised stereotypes of feminists as ‘butch’ and ‘fugly’ that fuel much hatred and contempt. Clothing and hairstyle can all contribute to maintaining a more acceptable, feminine appearance. Wear skirts and floating fabrics; the soft, delicate drape will draw attention to your more vulnerable, feminine qualities and make people feel much safer when being confronted with your strong opinions. You may have short hair if you wish, but only if you have delicate child-like features (think Natalie Portman as opposed to Grace Jones). If you must resist shaving, always wear stockings. Never, ever, wear dungarees. Ever.

Most importantly, ensure no one ever considers you a lesbian. It is essential to maintain an appearance of heterosexuality at all times. If you are a feminist and people think you are a lesbian, they may jump to the false conclusion that you are a ball-breaking, man-hating super-bitch. Being in a relationship with a man is the most powerful defense against all such accusations. If your feminist politics are to remain undetected, it is essential to ensure that you are visibly heterosexual, and that you do the cooking and cleaning at least some of the time. Having a house husband, or even sharing the household and child rearing duties completely equally, is a very big no-no as it gives the impression of a radical swing away from assigned gender roles. This tends to make people equally as uncomfortable as lesbianism. Being forceful and manly looking are forgivable offenses if you are heterosexual; conversely you can be as pretty and sweet as you like and it won’t mean a thing if people think you are a dyke. In following these steps in combination, you will drastically minimise visibility of your feminist politics. Good luck, and happy discreet social activism!